Some interactions jolt you out of your thought process, just when you are getting comfortable in your cocoon of thoughts..
My son goes to the park in our secured condo every evening, recently, I also went down, as the weather was good, which is quite a surprise in a city like Delhi (Gurgaon).
My son was playing, and I was just walking around, enjoying the breeze when I saw a lady, must be in her early forties, distributing candies to the children in the park, she walked up to me, and gave me also some candies, I thanked her and asked her what's the occasion?, She told me it was her son's birthday, I asked her to show me who the child was, while scanning a group of boys, so that I could wish him. She just smiled and pointed a finger towards the sky, and said, please wish him in your prayers, he is no more. I was shocked, not because, that this was the first time I had heard about a child's death, but this was the first time I had met a parent who had lost a child, and was completely composed. My mind was racing, how was she so composed? Calm? Had she cried enough? Or was the child too small? I just stood there, numb. I guess she understood the unasked questions playing on my mind, she came to me, and said, come let's sit. I was definitely choked, so we both sat down, and I just smiled.
Her son was 7 years old when he died in an accident. It was a friend's child's birthday party, and the kids were to be dropped at the host's house, from where they were to go together with the birthday boy and his parents, there were about 8-9 children, and the parents in a SUV, the parents were good friends of this lady, in a freak accident, on the highway, a truck went out of control and hit the SUV, and the car dashed into a divider and turtled, unfortunately, this child was sitting at the back, as that used to be his favourite place in an SUV, he crashed into the glass of the door, and died on the spot. All the others were seriously injured. The mother said, she didn't know how to react, when the father of the birthday boy, who was also injured called the parents and told them to come to Max hospital, even they didn't know that the child had died on the spot, till then. The doctors had told them that all children were injured, and the first aid was being administered, the wife was sitting next to her husband, and she also sustained severe injuries. This lady recalled the events,(her version in quotes) - "When my husband and me reached the hospital, we were told that all kids are being given first aid, and couple of them have had fractures, so we thought Arjun was also one of them, and we waited to see. A harried doctor came out and said, that one child was no more, there were many parents, and we looked at each other, confused, hopeful and finally when the suspense broke, my world came crashing down, I saw the body of my son, blood, injuries, scratches, I couldn't move, I felt as if my feet were tied with chains, I couldn't lift my hand, I couldn't open my mouth, next thing I knew was that I had blacked out, inspite of that I heard my husband's loud cries, asking Arjun to wake up, for a minute I thought, I was in a movie theater. The nurses helped me get up, I managed to walk, went near the bed where my son was lying, calm, peaceful, his mop of hair falling on his forehead, which now had glass pieces embedded inside, I asked the nurse to clean him up, remove the glass pieces, told him it would pain, she obliged, the doctors took him away to clean up his wounds. The body of my child was brought to me, wrapped in a white sheet, he smelt of dettol and other antiseptics, after the clearance formalities, we took Arjun in an ambulance, by that time our relatives had reached. I dressed my son in his favourite jeans and t-shirt, put his watch, put his favourite mini car in his pocket. That's when I lost control, and burst out crying, I still don't know how my tears didnt fall until then. We bid him farewell".
She said, that the relatives, and the so called well wishers, who came to 'share' the grief, instead burdened them with more sorrows. "Some said we shouldn't have sent him, some said, that is why we suggested that you have two kids, some said we should send those people to jail. At that time I was in shock, I didn't say anything. My husband and me refused to do the 13 day ritual, we just held a prayer meeting after a couple of days".
"The husband and wife and their kids, who had taken my son for the birthday party, they also attended the prayer meeting. I saw the kids, both had cast in their hands, the wife had a bandage on her head, her cheeks had marks of glass, the husband also had fractured his hand and sustained a head injury. They came filled with guilt, hugged us and just cried, with us, and the guy said, please punish me, I am the one who is responsible. But, my husband and me told him, that it was not his fault, it was a tragedy, and it could have happened to anyone, what did he do? How could he have possibly avoided a drunken truck driver? He had followed the rules, and it was tragic and unfortunate that our child succumbed to the injuries, as a Mother could I wish for a moment that it could have been someone else? I couldn't have, and we told them, we nursed no grudges, and we know how much they loved Arjun. A month later, I finally chose to answer all the so called well wishers, by saying what happened was tragic and tragedy does not knock before it strikes.
To answer those who said I should have had two kids, I had one question, would the grief be any less? To the people who said, don't worry, if God wishes then I can have a child soon by next year, to them I said am not a child producing machine, I lost a child not a toy, that I could replace, and I politely asked them to leave. I was bombarded with suggestions to join a school, join a NGO to 'divert' my mind. To them I said, I lost a precious life, am not looking at diverting my mind off it, I want to live with it. I gave 7 years of emotions, 7 years of physical and mental energy in bringing up my boy. I do not and will not have the energy anymore".
She told me, that she had not talked about it in lengths with anyone, and I was possibly the first, with whom she re-counted and re-called the incident, while I was fighting tears, she thanked me for listening patiently. That was exactly the time, when my son ran to me for something, and I told her that's my son, and he is 8. She gave him some candies, and gave him a tight hug. I hugged her and I made her take my number. I told her that I salute you, for your courage. She smiled and said, everyone has the strength, to surpass obstacles, we realize it when we are faced with one. It's been 5 years, since the tragedy
After she left, I chewed the candy, and started thinking about what she had said. It's true, that people instead of sharing the grief, they start a blame game, they throw suggestions without thinking, they pass comments and gossip ruthlessly.
How to cope up with the loss of a loved one? The loss is personal, whether it's a parent or a child or a friend. Whether it is a natural death due to sickness or a tragedy, unfortunately nobody is or can be prepared for a loss due to death. In these times, the least someone can do is just be there. I echoed her thoughts, would having two children make it any less painful? Won't you look at the surviving child and miss the child you lost more? Do we actually have kids to fall back on? Or do we have them because they are what makes us a family? And is it actually easy to have more kids after you have lost one? Do we replace parents when we lose them to such circumstances? Then how can we replace the kids? Accidents happen everyday, you could be the most careful and responsible driver, but are all the others on the road like that? Nobody has control over death, tragedy can occur anytime, it could be inside your house, it could be in a park, it could be in a mall. Can you just sit at home for the rest of your life? How do you shield or stop your child from going to birthdays or going out to play? What if this happens to you? What would you do if a tragedy occurred in your presence and someone else's child in your care becomes the victim? The parents of the birthday boy would be suffering equally, possibly more with guilt every passing day.
Recently a friend of mine miscarried. She was 17 weeks pregnant. To a lot of people it wouldn't mean anything, as according to them, it's just a fetus which hasn't taken a proper shape. But, to her, it was a life breathing inside her. Miscarriages happen almost everyday, but you can't dismiss it saying, it doesn't mean anything. It means a lot to the person who goes through it. My friend's other friends gifted her some self-help books, books on spiritual healing etc... When I spoke to her, I just told her one thing, I said just 'accept' your emotions, accept that you are upset, accept that you are angry at the loss, whatever you are feeling, just accept. That way, you give a vent to your feelings. Diverting the mind doesn't really help, it all comes back like a boomerang. This lady whom I met, she also told me the same thing, that she did not consciously try to take her mind off the loss, she faced it, and she still continues to do so, but today she is more at peace than she was 5 years ago, only because, she decided to accept it.
These days the more I hear about people's reactions, Read: 'well wishers', 'friends', 'relatives' I just get more irritated. Have we really lost out on compassion? Sympathy? Empathy? Do these words mean something else these days? Whatever happened to offering a shoulder to lean on and cry? And how disgusting to come up with ridiculous suggestions!!! One child or ten children, its again a personal choice. A parent who has ten kids will still cry for the one child she lost, and not turn around and say, "Oh! That's ok, I still have 9 with me", what the hell is really wrong with people?
These thoughts refuse to go away from my mind, as whenever I console myself, that things will change, they just prove me wrong. These are unfortunately our 'highly educated-forward thinking-high class society people' who only speak rubbish when they open their mouth.
Time heals is cliched, it doesn't heal, we just find our own ways to deal with losses.
Her son was 7 years old when he died in an accident. It was a friend's child's birthday party, and the kids were to be dropped at the host's house, from where they were to go together with the birthday boy and his parents, there were about 8-9 children, and the parents in a SUV, the parents were good friends of this lady, in a freak accident, on the highway, a truck went out of control and hit the SUV, and the car dashed into a divider and turtled, unfortunately, this child was sitting at the back, as that used to be his favourite place in an SUV, he crashed into the glass of the door, and died on the spot. All the others were seriously injured. The mother said, she didn't know how to react, when the father of the birthday boy, who was also injured called the parents and told them to come to Max hospital, even they didn't know that the child had died on the spot, till then. The doctors had told them that all children were injured, and the first aid was being administered, the wife was sitting next to her husband, and she also sustained severe injuries. This lady recalled the events,(her version in quotes) - "When my husband and me reached the hospital, we were told that all kids are being given first aid, and couple of them have had fractures, so we thought Arjun was also one of them, and we waited to see. A harried doctor came out and said, that one child was no more, there were many parents, and we looked at each other, confused, hopeful and finally when the suspense broke, my world came crashing down, I saw the body of my son, blood, injuries, scratches, I couldn't move, I felt as if my feet were tied with chains, I couldn't lift my hand, I couldn't open my mouth, next thing I knew was that I had blacked out, inspite of that I heard my husband's loud cries, asking Arjun to wake up, for a minute I thought, I was in a movie theater. The nurses helped me get up, I managed to walk, went near the bed where my son was lying, calm, peaceful, his mop of hair falling on his forehead, which now had glass pieces embedded inside, I asked the nurse to clean him up, remove the glass pieces, told him it would pain, she obliged, the doctors took him away to clean up his wounds. The body of my child was brought to me, wrapped in a white sheet, he smelt of dettol and other antiseptics, after the clearance formalities, we took Arjun in an ambulance, by that time our relatives had reached. I dressed my son in his favourite jeans and t-shirt, put his watch, put his favourite mini car in his pocket. That's when I lost control, and burst out crying, I still don't know how my tears didnt fall until then. We bid him farewell".
She said, that the relatives, and the so called well wishers, who came to 'share' the grief, instead burdened them with more sorrows. "Some said we shouldn't have sent him, some said, that is why we suggested that you have two kids, some said we should send those people to jail. At that time I was in shock, I didn't say anything. My husband and me refused to do the 13 day ritual, we just held a prayer meeting after a couple of days".
"The husband and wife and their kids, who had taken my son for the birthday party, they also attended the prayer meeting. I saw the kids, both had cast in their hands, the wife had a bandage on her head, her cheeks had marks of glass, the husband also had fractured his hand and sustained a head injury. They came filled with guilt, hugged us and just cried, with us, and the guy said, please punish me, I am the one who is responsible. But, my husband and me told him, that it was not his fault, it was a tragedy, and it could have happened to anyone, what did he do? How could he have possibly avoided a drunken truck driver? He had followed the rules, and it was tragic and unfortunate that our child succumbed to the injuries, as a Mother could I wish for a moment that it could have been someone else? I couldn't have, and we told them, we nursed no grudges, and we know how much they loved Arjun. A month later, I finally chose to answer all the so called well wishers, by saying what happened was tragic and tragedy does not knock before it strikes.
To answer those who said I should have had two kids, I had one question, would the grief be any less? To the people who said, don't worry, if God wishes then I can have a child soon by next year, to them I said am not a child producing machine, I lost a child not a toy, that I could replace, and I politely asked them to leave. I was bombarded with suggestions to join a school, join a NGO to 'divert' my mind. To them I said, I lost a precious life, am not looking at diverting my mind off it, I want to live with it. I gave 7 years of emotions, 7 years of physical and mental energy in bringing up my boy. I do not and will not have the energy anymore".
She told me, that she had not talked about it in lengths with anyone, and I was possibly the first, with whom she re-counted and re-called the incident, while I was fighting tears, she thanked me for listening patiently. That was exactly the time, when my son ran to me for something, and I told her that's my son, and he is 8. She gave him some candies, and gave him a tight hug. I hugged her and I made her take my number. I told her that I salute you, for your courage. She smiled and said, everyone has the strength, to surpass obstacles, we realize it when we are faced with one. It's been 5 years, since the tragedy
After she left, I chewed the candy, and started thinking about what she had said. It's true, that people instead of sharing the grief, they start a blame game, they throw suggestions without thinking, they pass comments and gossip ruthlessly.
How to cope up with the loss of a loved one? The loss is personal, whether it's a parent or a child or a friend. Whether it is a natural death due to sickness or a tragedy, unfortunately nobody is or can be prepared for a loss due to death. In these times, the least someone can do is just be there. I echoed her thoughts, would having two children make it any less painful? Won't you look at the surviving child and miss the child you lost more? Do we actually have kids to fall back on? Or do we have them because they are what makes us a family? And is it actually easy to have more kids after you have lost one? Do we replace parents when we lose them to such circumstances? Then how can we replace the kids? Accidents happen everyday, you could be the most careful and responsible driver, but are all the others on the road like that? Nobody has control over death, tragedy can occur anytime, it could be inside your house, it could be in a park, it could be in a mall. Can you just sit at home for the rest of your life? How do you shield or stop your child from going to birthdays or going out to play? What if this happens to you? What would you do if a tragedy occurred in your presence and someone else's child in your care becomes the victim? The parents of the birthday boy would be suffering equally, possibly more with guilt every passing day.
Recently a friend of mine miscarried. She was 17 weeks pregnant. To a lot of people it wouldn't mean anything, as according to them, it's just a fetus which hasn't taken a proper shape. But, to her, it was a life breathing inside her. Miscarriages happen almost everyday, but you can't dismiss it saying, it doesn't mean anything. It means a lot to the person who goes through it. My friend's other friends gifted her some self-help books, books on spiritual healing etc... When I spoke to her, I just told her one thing, I said just 'accept' your emotions, accept that you are upset, accept that you are angry at the loss, whatever you are feeling, just accept. That way, you give a vent to your feelings. Diverting the mind doesn't really help, it all comes back like a boomerang. This lady whom I met, she also told me the same thing, that she did not consciously try to take her mind off the loss, she faced it, and she still continues to do so, but today she is more at peace than she was 5 years ago, only because, she decided to accept it.
These days the more I hear about people's reactions, Read: 'well wishers', 'friends', 'relatives' I just get more irritated. Have we really lost out on compassion? Sympathy? Empathy? Do these words mean something else these days? Whatever happened to offering a shoulder to lean on and cry? And how disgusting to come up with ridiculous suggestions!!! One child or ten children, its again a personal choice. A parent who has ten kids will still cry for the one child she lost, and not turn around and say, "Oh! That's ok, I still have 9 with me", what the hell is really wrong with people?
These thoughts refuse to go away from my mind, as whenever I console myself, that things will change, they just prove me wrong. These are unfortunately our 'highly educated-forward thinking-high class society people' who only speak rubbish when they open their mouth.
Time heals is cliched, it doesn't heal, we just find our own ways to deal with losses.
Well said Vidya. Silence is no longer consider a virtue. But it is always better then insensitive & artifical display of affection.
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